Why I Hope My Ex Was A Once-In-A-Lifetime Kind Of Love

I read this article, and I found it so intriguing and relate-able, that it was almost as if she took the words right from my mouth and put them into a post.  I just want to share it with you:
By: Kelsey Hau  

Yesterday I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile. As we did our quick five-minute catch-up, she asked me how my ex was doing. After I did my well rehearsed polite response, “Actually we aren’t together anymore, so I am not entirely sure,” she gave me the immediate look of sadness and sympathy that I always get. I’m well used to that look, I guess that’s what happens when the man you thought you were going to marry breaks up with you, but after giving me “the look,” she told me that she knows I’ll find someone new and I will love him just as much, if not more. Her words, meant to make me feel better about being single, really got me thinking.

I hope she is wrong. I hope I never find someone I love as much as him.

I don’t say that because I am a cynic, and I don’t say that because I hope we get back together. I say that simply because the love I shared with him was too much for me. It was raw, it was passionate, it was all-encompassing, it was emotional, it was everything. He was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. I felt incomplete when I wasn’t around him, and when he was near it was like everything was right in the world again. He was my other half, and what I considered the best part of myself. He made me crazy and emotional. It was like our entire time together was a roller coaster of missing him, loving him, hating him, and needing him.

And I pray to God I never ever feel that way again.

I hope my ex was the love of my life because I never want to feel that kind of love again. I had it for three years. It changed my life and it is something that I will cherish for the rest of forever. I found that kind of love young and I loved every minute of being in it. Even when we were fighting and I hated him, I loved it. But I never want to feel it again. That kind of pain and hurt mixed in with such passionate love was too much for me. It was too much for my heart to handle and when he decided to leave me, I didn’t understand how the world would keep turning.

But it did keep turning, and one day the ache in my chest stopped hurting and all the broken little pieces of my heart and soul seemed to be put back together. That’s when I realized I don’t need that kind of love or that kind of life. It’s not that I don’t want to fall in love again. I can’t wait to fall in love again, but I hope and pray it is a very different kind of love.

I don’t want someone to be my other half, I want someone who makes me feel whole on my own. I don’t want to miss someone so much it hurts, I want to know that even when I am apart from him I can trust him and know that he is coming home to me. I don’t want him to be my last thought when I go to bed at night because I want him to be beside me when I go to bed at night. I don’t want him to be the best part of me, I want him to encourage me and push me to be the best self I can be on my own. I want a partner. I want someone I can rely on 24 hours out of the day, seven days a week. I want a love that makes me smile and go to bed completely content with my life, not one that keeps me up at night. I don’t want a man who treats me like a princess and the most precious thing in the world, I want him to treat our daughter like that. I don’t want to be the love of his life because I want our family to be.

My ex taught me more about love and life than he will never know. After the break up my friends always told me that he would never find someone who loved him quite like I did. They said it to make me feel better, but I hope the same is true for him, too. We were young and naive and loved being in love, but it was the wrong kind of love. I hope it was a once in a lifetime kind of love for the both of us, and I hope one day we both find a better, more whole kind of love.

As I read that, I found myself thinking about my past relationship.  I loved more deeply than I had ever loved before.  It was the only person I have ever loved with such passion and emotion, that it was draining.  It's a kind of love that I never want to feel again.  I will probably never love any boy as much as I loved this one, and that's ok because it was too much.  I couldn't handle the amount of love that I had for him.  I wanted to give him the world, and I based all my actions, thoughts, and feelings, around HIS.  I painted this life in my head with him at the center of it and I tried my hardest to do everything possible so that that Life could soon become a reality.  We talked about what we wanted out of life, and I shared my thoughts and my dreams.  

I told him, "I want a 3 story house with a beautiful yard.  I want to live a maximum of 5 minutes away from my family because I want my siblings right next door.  I want my kids to grow up knowing who God is, but I also want them to be able to decide for themselves what they believe.  I want to own a business and I want my husband to enjoy whatever it is he wants because as long as he works hard, the money will come.  As long as he loves what he is doing, I will support whatever dream he has.  I want a husband who will build me a dinning table and a rocking chair. A man who has blisters on his hand showing me that he works hard.  I want him to work hard, because I will work hard right along side him. Lastly, I want to be married in the temple because I will be damned if I can't spend eternity with my husband and 12 kids. & Those are only SOME of the things that I want out of life." 

 He simply agreed.  He promised me these things.  We promised each other that we would work towards those goals.  For all five years, I was convinced that this was exactly what he wanted too.  But he didn't.  He loved me enough to try and give me all these things, but he resented me for not encouraging his dreams.  I loved him so much to keep putting off the things that I wanted out of life on hold, and we were making sacrifices for each other, and some how we weren't getting anywhere near these goals.  We loved each other, but it's the wrong kind of love.  

You should feel WHOLE on your own without the need of anyone else's approval.  You should be content with who you are.  You should have your own dreams, desires, and goals before you jump into anyone else's.  I wish him happiness and I hope that we both can find the kind of love that makes us want to be better for ourselves and not for the anyone else.   I hope we find the kind of love that brings out the best in ourselves FOR ourselves.  

In class we discussed communicating and why our relationships are so flawed.  When you aren't honest with YOURSELF about what you want, you can't communicate honestly with the people you are in relationships with about what you want.  I struggle to be honest with myself about the things that I want, and I don't really have an idea of what I personally want, so when someone throws an idea out there, my first response it to just agree and be ok with whatever they decide.  I am trying to do better about finding what I want before I jump into another relationship.  I hope that we don't get too wrapped in other people's wants and desires that we forget to acknowledge our own.

Til you read again,

-me

Communikasionsmedier

When I was little, we used to play the game “telephone.”  For those of you who do not know what this game consists of, let me iron out the details for you.  If you sit down and one person starts a message from one end of the line and it just gets passed down by word of mouth.  You could whisper, “I’m wearing sweat pants,” and the end message could come out as, “Baboons are yellow.”  Somewhere down the line, the message got mixed up, and it turned into something completely different.

Communication seems to be the root of most of the problems that we experience within our own families and homes. Where we go wrong is within the way that we send our messages and then when they are received.  Based on the person sending the message or receiving it, I don’t think that there is ONE way to communicate correctly.

Every week we had family home evening, and we always talked about how we could do better to communicate as a family.  My dad always said, “We need to communicate better.”  He was right, we were terrible at communicating.  Here’s where I think we struggled, at least I did.  I was always afraid of saying what I REALLY felt or what I REALLY wanted to do. So I would say what I thought everyone wanted to hear, but I would internalize how I really felt and be bitter. Direction came our way, and we secretly complained, but we never said anything.

As I look back, I wish I could have expressed how I felt better and more accurately.  I also wish I listened to what other people had to say too.  I sometimes feel as though I listen to respond, instead of listening to understand.  “First, seek to understand.  Then, seek to BE understood.” 

Communication is a two way street.  I wish I was honest with how I really felt and what I really wanted.  I always just expressed myself based on what other people wanted to hear and I was unable to really hold my own ground and really muster up enough courage to really express myself.  I don’t really know WHY I never felt comfortable with being who I wanted to be or with expressing myself in ways that I should have. 

As I look to raising my own family, and to building relationships with those who are around me, I’m trying to do better about just LISTENING and trying to understand people, before I jump to conclusions and assume things. I know that I’m imperfect with it, but if I work at it, I can be better. 

Til you read again,

-me

Family Business.

Family stress.  If Pinga is stressed, I feel it.  If Matagi is stressed, I feel it.  If Jane is stressed, I feel it.  We feel it ALL, even when we're miles apart.  Their happiness is MY happiness, and their stress is MY stress.

I feel as though I grew up in a home where all we had was each other.  I love my parents to death, and they did the best they could to raise us, and their best was more than enough.  We started going to work with my dad at such a young age, that I feel like it taught us to grow up much faster than the kids around us.  While kids had "play dates" and took "naps" and played with their friends, we played with each other while pulling weeds and took "naps" during the car rides from one house to the next.  At such a young age, we were introduced to this concept of "money," and if we wanted things, we needed to WORK for them.  At a young age, we were taught that NOTHING in this life is free, and you had to work for every last dime!

My dad became a hero in my eyes.  He became this invincible man whom I have grown to respect and love unconditionally.  Nothing could ever happen to him.  As I watched him toss these big cylinder blocks across the yard, I knew he was SUPERMAN.  I watched him throw sod and build houses and these beautiful yards, and he withstood everything.  He scared all my friends because he was this HUGE man with coconuts on the back of his legs also known as calves.  He carried the weight of our entire family on his shoulders, and as the years have carried on, it's starting to show more and more.

Growing older, I look back, and I can see the hard work of my father in the blisters on his hands and the wrinkles throughout his forehead.  I can see the stress of LIFE in the bags under his eyes and the way he holds his back when he walks down the stairs.  It never dawned on me that he would grow old.  It never dawned on me that one day, he isn't going to be here anymore.  It never dawned on me that he was no longer going to be able to lift cylinder blocks or throw sod anymore.  I knew people aged, but not my dad.  He isn't supposed to.  

I reflect on our childhood and the way our family dealt with stress.  I look back and realized that we weren't included in making decisions as a family.  Decision making was left to our parents.  My mom and dad discussed what they wanted to do, and then they included us to execute it.  They didn't discuss money problems with us, financial decisions, emotional stress, etc.  They didn't need us to help make those decisions. And growing up, I didn't worry about how we were going to get our next meal or if we would have running water.  I'm sure, that that was a concern for my parents.  I'm sure that they worried about that stuff, but I never did because they never made me feel like I needed to.  My parents aren't rich, but they made sure that we had everything we ever NEEDED.  

Imagine standing in a huge circle with your family.  Imagine standing holding hands.  And there is someone standing on the OUTSIDE of the circle pulling on the shoulders of one of those family members.  What happens to the circle?  Your grip gets tighter to keep the stress of that ONE family member stable, and you all feel it even though it isn't upon YOUR shoulders.  That is how the dynamics of some families are.  

This is how our family dynamic could be visualized:  We have TWO circles.  My parents are the outermost circle.  They stand hand in hand surrounding the inner circle, which is us kids.  They feel the weight of the world without it effecting the inner circle.  And likewise, as kids, we try not to let them feel OUR stress.  It isn't the IDEAL dynamic, but it works for our family.

I couldn't imagine my life without my family.  All the good, bad, and ugly that comes with them.  The stress, the happiness, the kindness, the selflessness . . . all of it: I LOVE IT.  And I am blessed to call them mine.  They are my FAMILY BUSINESS.  

Til you read again,
-me

InstaPROBLEMS.

We live in a world where social media has replaced all kinds of ACTUAL relationships.  Instagram is the way we preview our competition, Facebook is where we connect with long lost friends and family, Twitter is where we get to vent 24/7 and it is socially acceptable, and Snapchat is a constant update about our lives, because we all know that EVERYONE needs to know that I ate mac & cheese for dinner & everyone needs to know that some random Asian kid from California, whom I have never met, is skateboarding.  We live in a world where we seek acceptance from these virtual worlds, including in our relationships.

I read something somewhere that said:

"I guess our parents stayed together simply because they didn't have 7000 other people following them or liking their pictures at their disposal when their marriage or relationship got hard.  Nowadays when our relationships hit the rocks, we can just log in and get high off this false sense of security and appreciation.  We value our worth based on comments and inbox messages filled with colorful words that have NO depth.  Meanwhile, the person who loves you when there is NO filter on your face becomes an option and the rest of the world who just sees your representation becomes your priority.  Don't lose what is real chasing behind what only APPEARS to be."

I see this on a daily basis, including in my own life.  Earlier today, I was sitting in class and these girls were arguing about how many followers they have on Instagram.  I sat there thinking, "But are you making money off of how many followers you have?  How is increasing your number of followers helping you PROGRESS in this life?"  

I think of how funny it is.  This concept of feeling loved and appreciated based on how many "likes" you get on a picture.  I can testify, that for some reason, there is a satisfying feeling that comes from how many likes I get on a picture, and HOW SAD IS THAT? How sad is it that my self worth is some what based off of how the world sees me, how perfect STRANGERS see me, and it's not even really ME because filters make me look 83420984923x better.  It's a false sense of love and acceptance, and it's sad. 

Take it one step further, and think about all the problems that social media causes in marriages and romantic relationships.  I can tell you now, that social media has been the cause of death for my romantic life.  Hahahahaha.  & I can tell you right now that it has killed two of rommates relationships.  Earlier in the semester, I came home to a yelling match between one of my roommates and her boyfriend.  He said, "If you don't talk to your ex anymore, why is he your bestfriend on SnapChat?"  & They had been dating for 9 months, and because of SnapChat, they are no longer together.  

I feel as though social media can be a blessing AND a curse.  Yeah, it's awesome to see how people from middle school turned out, but then we begin to live in this virtual world where we forget about living in THIS one.    Just think about it.   I loved this video, and I think it really tied everything together for me. 

[Video credits go to Eitakina Fifita.  She was the one who showed it to me.  Love youuuuuuu Eita!]

Til you read again

-me[:

Who who do you loveeeeeee.

One of my favorite quotes from Marvin J. Ashton:

True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time. Too often expediency, infatuation, stimulation, persuasion, or lust are mistaken for love. How hollow, how empty if our love is no deeper than the arousal of momentary feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting than the time it takes to speak them.

In my home, we weren't always told "I love you."  We didn't hug each other, we never held one another when we were crying . . . we just weren't very emotional or showed our affection very well.  My dad would always tell us, "I don't have to tell you I love you because I am SHOWING you I love you.  Love is a action."

I grew up with this mentality.  I grew up KNOWING that when and if someone loved me, they showed me.  They didn't just tell me, they showed me, and the same goes for the way that I display my love and my affection.  I don't really tell people "oh hey, by the way, I love you."  I will go out of my way for you, and then I silently hope that you FEEL of my love.  

There are different kinds of love.  There is the kind of love that a parent has for a child.  The kind of love that allows you to sacrifice all of who you are for your child.  The kind of love that is unconditional.  There is the kind of love that is a friendship kind of love that allows you open up and share the most intimate parts of yourself with your best friend.  There is the kind of love that is Christ like, where you act on the benefit of someone else, it may even be someone you don't know.  And then there is the romantic kind of love that is somewhat like love at first sight.  Now which of these is the most important kind of love that is needed to create a successful relationship?

As I have studied these kinds of love, I have concluded that agape, of the Christ like Love, is probably the most meaningful kind of love to ME.  I think about all of the relationships that I have had, whether they are friendships, sibling relationships, co workers, romantic, associations, group projects . . .etc.  When I think of these relationships, I think about the kind of love that came alongside them.  If I have a Christ like love for these people, then all the other kinds of love will soon follow.

Lets talk about romantic relationships for a second . . . now in my home, we never discussed having a boyfriend or girlfriend.  We didn't talk about those things with our parents.  It wasn't BANNED or FORBIDDEN, we just never talked about it.  It's kind of an awkward subject to bring up for us.  We just never discussed it.  But I learned SO much about romantic relationships based off of just observing my parents and their partnership and the way that they conduct their relationship.  

Something that I have noticed over the years about myself, is that if I develop this kind of Christ like love, everything else falls into place.  First of all, I feel really weird putting this kind of stuff out there, but I want people to know me as a person, and not just the girl who is always talking about her family, so if this is weird for you all to read, it's really weird for me to write. Hahahaha sooo, we can struggle together(:  

Anyway, like I was saying, if I develop Agape, Christ like love, the other kinds of love are like side effects.  I have dated someone who I didn't think was the most attractive person on the planet, but the more I got to know him, the more we spent time together, the more I did acts of service for him like making him cookies, or surprising him with his favorite candy bars, (toblerone), or simply sending him a text in the middle of the day to make sure he was ok, the more attractive he became and the more I grew to love him.  I also became more protective of him.  I developed that parent-child kind of love for him where I wanted to protect him from the criticism and harshness of my parents, my siblings, and the world.  The more he became my best friend and the more love I had for him and the more attached I became. When you do something on behalf of someone else's benefit, you are being selfless and you begin to love the people you are serving.

Another example is of my little sister and I.  Sina and I fought ALL the time when we were little.  I hated her guts.  I hated them until I was a senior in high school.  How sad is that?  I spent all that time hating someone I now can't see my life without.  Anywho, I told myself that if I would just be the bigger person and move on, than I would be the real winner.  Everything between us was a competition, and I wanted to come out on top, so I gave myself a challenge.  I told myself that if I served Sina, maybe I could grow to love her.  I did, and I grew to love her unconditionally.  I did her laundry and I made an extra effort to be nicer to her, and I tried to see things from her point of view, and it honestly humbled me and made me love her more.

This past weekend, she was visiting our older sister Pu'a in Utah, and I was on my way to pick her up and bring her back to Idaho with me.  On Friday, we were on our way to our cousin's house when our other little sister, Ana, called us and told us that Sina's mission call had arrived in Colorado.  Sina looked at me and said, "I can't wait til a week to open it."  I shook my head and said, "Sina . . . if you want me to turn this car around and drive you home, I will."  She just smiled, and before I knew it, I found myself driving back to Colorado to open her mission call.  Was it crazy?  Yes, it was insane.  Should I have been more logical and rational?  Probably.  But I couldn't make her wait.  I would give her the world if she begged me for it, and I would sacrifice money and sleep just to drive her back home for 6 hours and then turn around and drive back to Utah, because that's what would make her happy.  THAT is the kind of love that I have for my siblings.  I would give them everything I had if it meant that they were happy.

I bring this up because i want you all to think about the people you love and the different levels of love at which they are loved.  How can we do better?  How can we love people unconditionally?  How can we love people the way Christ does?  We're imperfect. At least I am, and I want to do better about showcasing my love for those around me . . . so think about.  Think about who you love & WHY . . . 

Til you read again

-me[:

Hating the sin, but loving the sinner.

DISCLAIMER:  

I'll be sharing my opinion on a very touchy subject, so I beg of you to read with an open mind and take NO offense.  I love you all so much and hope you will read this and become soooooo curious about YOUR own beliefs and thoughts, that you will educate yourself on this topic and be more fully aware of the consequences, good or bad, of the way that you chose to live your lives.  Read all about it :)

I grew up with 1 mom, 1 dad, 9 sisters, and 4 brothers.  I grew up with aunts and uncles, who took care of me as if I was their own child, who attended all my volleyball and basketball games, and who had family gatherings all the time.  I grew up with a VILLAGE to raise me. I grew up with my cousins being my best friends AND my worst enemies.  I grew up mowing lawns, laying sod, raking leaves, shoveling snow, pulling weeds, and spending all my summer days being employed by Pacific Express Contractors.  (My dad's company.)  I also grew up with my mom trying to teach me how to cook, sew, clean, etc., but that didn't sink in too much.  My sisters would GLADLY attest to this, however, I would like for it to be known, that SOME of that has stuck as I have moved away for school and have my own apartment to maintain and my own food to cook :)  You all would be happy to know that I have yet to eat Saimini, aka Top Ramen.  I wasn't asked to do much around the house, and I don't know if that was because I was my parents favorite, or if it was because they wanted to spare everyone else the pain of my cooking or the lack of my cleaning.  But I promise if you were to walk into my apartment now, it is spotless and I could make you some real good frozen pizza rolls. Hahaha

Being that all of the boys in our family fall toward the bottom of our line, our dad had no one else to take to work with him or teach "manly" things to besides all of us girls.  & at a very young age, I became my Dad's personal assistant.  I would climb into his truck and would hide until he was ready to go to work.  I thought I was soooooooo clever.  Although, I'm pretty sure that 99.9% of the time, he knew I was in his truck, but he let me have the satisfaction of jumping out, and saying, "I got you." I would wait til the truck took off to pop up, and climb into the front seat.  When I was about 4 or 5, my mom put me in preschool.  My dad would drop me off, and I would throw the biggest fits.  One day, I came home and told my mom I wasn't going back.  Nobody wanted to be my friend or spoke English, and I wanted to drop out and go to work with my dad.  From then on, my sisters referred to me as the preschool drop out, but  my mom said ok, and everyday, I went to work with my dad.  As I got older, I became more interested in clothes, shoes, barbies, and dolls.  I stopped wanting to go to work with my dad, and wanted to be more like my older sisters and their friends.  Although I found my new passion, we still went to work with my dad and I'm pretty sure that my sisters and I could pull weeds, mow lawns, shovel snow, and rake leaves better and faster than all the boys we grew up with.  No offense ya'll.

From a very young age, I knew what my role as a GIRL was.  I never questioned whether I was supposed to be a boy.  I never questioned whether I was supposed to marry a girl or a boy.  I never questioned whether I wore a dress or a suit.  I never questioned it. I look around, and my heart hurts, that kids at such a young age question whether or not they are meant to be who they were born to be.  I fullheartdly believe that you were born as YOU for a designed purpose.  You are a GIRL for a reason.  You are a BOY for a reason.  

I can't understand how it feels to question that.  I can't understand how hard that must be for it to be socially unacceptable to love who you want to love.  I cannot understand how hard it is to feel like you do not belong, but I DO understand what it feels like to feel alone and feel like you have no other option but the one at hand.  I understand what it feels like to feel trapped and to think that "I've already dug myself a hole, this is where I belong."  I understand how it feels to WANT something so bad, even though you KNOW it isn't right.  I know what it feels like to be doing something and it feels sooooooo right, but everyone around you thinks that it's wrong.  I do not want anyone reading this to feel as though I hate people who chose to live their lives struggling with same sex attraction, aka gay or lesbian, because I don't.  If anything, I love you more.  I applaud your efforts for dealing with it.  And I don't say "dealing with it" as if it is a nuisance, I mean "dealing with it" as in all the side effects that come with same sex attraction.  People judge you, people shun you, people don't see you for anything more than being gay.  It's almost as if you have to tell people right off the back that you are who you are because if you find out down the road, it changes things.  I have a ton of friends who are gay, who are lesbians, and they are probably some of the realest people in my life.  

I love these people, and do I disagree with their actions?  Yeah, but that's because they are probably the most attractive guys in my life, and what a SHAME that they aren't on the market. Hahahaha.  The stereotype of a gay guy is as follows: a guy who is fashionable, who is sensitive, who SHOWS emotion, who is proper and speaks well, and who appears to be over caring.  

Now who doesn't want a husband who dresses well, speaks properly, who is sensitive to your emotions, and cares TOO much about you?  We are all born with our divine qualities, but WHY is it socially unacceptable for a man to feel emotion?  WHY is it socially unacceptable for a man to CARE?  If you care about the way you look, you're gay.  If you care about the way your house is cleaned, your gay.  The same goes for girls.  You like dressing in sweats and tshirts, you're a lesbian.  You like cars and changing oil, you're a lesbian.  What guy doesn't want a girl who can play basketball FAIRLY against you?  What guy doesn't want a girl who can rock sweats all day, and still be the most attractive thing on the planet?  But in society, you show an inkling of being in touch with your emotions or not being in touch with your emotions for girls, you are labeled as being gay or a lesbian.

You repeat something over and over again, you believe it.  You tell someone they're nothing more than a dumb girl, they begin to believe that.  You tell someone that they're smart, they become that.  You are what you believe yourself to be. 

"YOU IS SMART, YOU IS BEAUTIFUL, YOU IS IMPORTANT!"

My heart ACHES for people who have been told over and over and over again that this is who they MUST be because of what they like or dislike.  I MUST be a lesbian because I love to wear sweats all day and be lazy.  I MUST be a lesbian because I am careless and can change a tire, and those are traits of a man.  I hate that THIS is how we label each other.  I hate that THIS is how we judge each other.  WE created this society.  WE are at fault, for not becoming educated and not being open minded.  What an amazing world we would live in if men who were emotional were socially accepted and felt like they could fall in love with a woman who would accept those traits about them.  To tell children that they can't cry because they are simply boys, or they can't play in the dirt because they are GIRLS, is limiting them.  And it's merely heartbreaking.  Don't we want our kids, our siblings, OURSELVES to be well rounded? To do it all? 

Here's the saddest part of all:  

75% of homosexual men AND women have been sexually abused as children.

(all stats are found in this article:Childhood Sexual Abuse and Homosexuality)

How heart wrenching is that?  That the world we live in, the same world that criticizes you, and condemns you for loving the same gender, is the same world that abused you and made you even question your sexuality, in the first place.   

This is my sweeeeet sweeeeet niece whom I love so much!  I have nieces and nephews who I want them to know that their sky is the limit and it is OK to like cooking and it is OK to play in the dirt!  But after reading that study, my heart wants to PROTECT them and make them feel safe.  I have never loved anyone more than I love my nephew and nieces.  I don't want anything bad to happen to them, and I KNOW that this is how our Heavenly Father feels.  He wants to protect us, and when things like this happen, I know he is aching right along side us.  But every experience has a lesson and opportunity to tighten and strengthen our relationship with our God.

I love you all and hope that you will really think about the what you're missing out on by dating each other: Like ME for instance.  Hahahaha jkkkkk, but really.  You can't start a family of your own, that is biologically yours, if there are two girls or two guys.  You can't experience the joys of being together for all time and eternity.  Who wants a love that has to be left in the grave?  Who wants a love that can't last for the eternities? 

These things have been heavy on my mind all week and my heart is overwhelmed with love for all those who are struggling to figure out who they are and what they believe.  My heart goes out to you all because I don't think I could handle it.  God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers. And you my friends, have some of the hardest battles.  

Til you read again,
-me <3

Family Ties ---

I do this thing, where I like to sit in a place FULL of people, and just watch.  I went to a food court and just watched people as they interact with each other, the workers, the staff, their kids . . . and it always surprises me. 

There was one particular kid,, who appeared to be about 5, was throwing a fit because he wanted "Hot Dog on a Stick" and his mom refused.  He threw himself on the floor and his mom just kept walking.  In the same family was a little girl who was about 7, also wanted Hot Dog on a Stick but when her mom told her no, she took it for what it was and kept it moving.  But this little boy was persistent, and finally, his mom bought him hot dog on a stick.  I just watched as a smile broke out across his face and he had the look of victory. The little girl still didn't get the hot dog, and she was fine with that.

Let me reenact that situation if one of us had decided to act up at the store.  This is what would have happened at the store depending on which one of us kids were asking for "Hot dog on a Stick,"  

Me: "Mom, can I have Hot Dog on a Stick?"
Mom: "Yes." *buys hot dog on a stick"

Situation number two:

Sina (she's the 6th one): "Mom, can I have Hot Dog on a Stick?"
Mom: "No.  We don't have money for that."  

Now let me give some background to this story.  According to my siblings, I get away with a lot.  For whatever reason that is, I do not know. I know that our parents love us all, and they want what's best for us, but we got different responses based on experiences that we had with our parents.

See, for example, Sina and I are two very different people.  I have a strong opinion about things, but I shy away from confrontation, where Sina, who also has a strong opinion, embraces confrontation and handles it.  Maybe this is why my parents were always more willing to give into my wants, then they were to give into Sina's.  She is able to speak her mind, and be blunt and direct. I admire that about her, always have, and always will.  It's a blessing AND a curse.  Her and my mom always butted heads growing up, and Sina never backed down.  It's always entertaining, and  I love her for it!

I bring this up because without Sina, our family wouldn't be OUR family.  Our family is bonded and tied together, even if we are different.  Sina isn't the only one who is direct, so are my older sisters.  They aren't afraid to stand their ground and argue what they feel is right.  Where as me and some of my younger sisters just listen and hold our tongues.  But we balance each other out, and that's what makes us work.

I am grateful for my family, and especially Sina.  She has become my best friend and I look up to her more than I look up to anyone else.  Although we are different, she brings balance to my life and I love her for it!  I love that my family is so uniquely tied, and bonded, and when people probably watch us interact, they probably think that we are INSANE, but it works for us, and I wouldn't change it for the world!

Til you read again,
-me[: