Who who do you loveeeeeee.

One of my favorite quotes from Marvin J. Ashton:

True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time. Too often expediency, infatuation, stimulation, persuasion, or lust are mistaken for love. How hollow, how empty if our love is no deeper than the arousal of momentary feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting than the time it takes to speak them.

In my home, we weren't always told "I love you."  We didn't hug each other, we never held one another when we were crying . . . we just weren't very emotional or showed our affection very well.  My dad would always tell us, "I don't have to tell you I love you because I am SHOWING you I love you.  Love is a action."

I grew up with this mentality.  I grew up KNOWING that when and if someone loved me, they showed me.  They didn't just tell me, they showed me, and the same goes for the way that I display my love and my affection.  I don't really tell people "oh hey, by the way, I love you."  I will go out of my way for you, and then I silently hope that you FEEL of my love.  

There are different kinds of love.  There is the kind of love that a parent has for a child.  The kind of love that allows you to sacrifice all of who you are for your child.  The kind of love that is unconditional.  There is the kind of love that is a friendship kind of love that allows you open up and share the most intimate parts of yourself with your best friend.  There is the kind of love that is Christ like, where you act on the benefit of someone else, it may even be someone you don't know.  And then there is the romantic kind of love that is somewhat like love at first sight.  Now which of these is the most important kind of love that is needed to create a successful relationship?

As I have studied these kinds of love, I have concluded that agape, of the Christ like Love, is probably the most meaningful kind of love to ME.  I think about all of the relationships that I have had, whether they are friendships, sibling relationships, co workers, romantic, associations, group projects . . .etc.  When I think of these relationships, I think about the kind of love that came alongside them.  If I have a Christ like love for these people, then all the other kinds of love will soon follow.

Lets talk about romantic relationships for a second . . . now in my home, we never discussed having a boyfriend or girlfriend.  We didn't talk about those things with our parents.  It wasn't BANNED or FORBIDDEN, we just never talked about it.  It's kind of an awkward subject to bring up for us.  We just never discussed it.  But I learned SO much about romantic relationships based off of just observing my parents and their partnership and the way that they conduct their relationship.  

Something that I have noticed over the years about myself, is that if I develop this kind of Christ like love, everything else falls into place.  First of all, I feel really weird putting this kind of stuff out there, but I want people to know me as a person, and not just the girl who is always talking about her family, so if this is weird for you all to read, it's really weird for me to write. Hahahaha sooo, we can struggle together(:  

Anyway, like I was saying, if I develop Agape, Christ like love, the other kinds of love are like side effects.  I have dated someone who I didn't think was the most attractive person on the planet, but the more I got to know him, the more we spent time together, the more I did acts of service for him like making him cookies, or surprising him with his favorite candy bars, (toblerone), or simply sending him a text in the middle of the day to make sure he was ok, the more attractive he became and the more I grew to love him.  I also became more protective of him.  I developed that parent-child kind of love for him where I wanted to protect him from the criticism and harshness of my parents, my siblings, and the world.  The more he became my best friend and the more love I had for him and the more attached I became. When you do something on behalf of someone else's benefit, you are being selfless and you begin to love the people you are serving.

Another example is of my little sister and I.  Sina and I fought ALL the time when we were little.  I hated her guts.  I hated them until I was a senior in high school.  How sad is that?  I spent all that time hating someone I now can't see my life without.  Anywho, I told myself that if I would just be the bigger person and move on, than I would be the real winner.  Everything between us was a competition, and I wanted to come out on top, so I gave myself a challenge.  I told myself that if I served Sina, maybe I could grow to love her.  I did, and I grew to love her unconditionally.  I did her laundry and I made an extra effort to be nicer to her, and I tried to see things from her point of view, and it honestly humbled me and made me love her more.

This past weekend, she was visiting our older sister Pu'a in Utah, and I was on my way to pick her up and bring her back to Idaho with me.  On Friday, we were on our way to our cousin's house when our other little sister, Ana, called us and told us that Sina's mission call had arrived in Colorado.  Sina looked at me and said, "I can't wait til a week to open it."  I shook my head and said, "Sina . . . if you want me to turn this car around and drive you home, I will."  She just smiled, and before I knew it, I found myself driving back to Colorado to open her mission call.  Was it crazy?  Yes, it was insane.  Should I have been more logical and rational?  Probably.  But I couldn't make her wait.  I would give her the world if she begged me for it, and I would sacrifice money and sleep just to drive her back home for 6 hours and then turn around and drive back to Utah, because that's what would make her happy.  THAT is the kind of love that I have for my siblings.  I would give them everything I had if it meant that they were happy.

I bring this up because i want you all to think about the people you love and the different levels of love at which they are loved.  How can we do better?  How can we love people unconditionally?  How can we love people the way Christ does?  We're imperfect. At least I am, and I want to do better about showcasing my love for those around me . . . so think about.  Think about who you love & WHY . . . 

Til you read again

-me[:

Hating the sin, but loving the sinner.

DISCLAIMER:  

I'll be sharing my opinion on a very touchy subject, so I beg of you to read with an open mind and take NO offense.  I love you all so much and hope you will read this and become soooooo curious about YOUR own beliefs and thoughts, that you will educate yourself on this topic and be more fully aware of the consequences, good or bad, of the way that you chose to live your lives.  Read all about it :)

I grew up with 1 mom, 1 dad, 9 sisters, and 4 brothers.  I grew up with aunts and uncles, who took care of me as if I was their own child, who attended all my volleyball and basketball games, and who had family gatherings all the time.  I grew up with a VILLAGE to raise me. I grew up with my cousins being my best friends AND my worst enemies.  I grew up mowing lawns, laying sod, raking leaves, shoveling snow, pulling weeds, and spending all my summer days being employed by Pacific Express Contractors.  (My dad's company.)  I also grew up with my mom trying to teach me how to cook, sew, clean, etc., but that didn't sink in too much.  My sisters would GLADLY attest to this, however, I would like for it to be known, that SOME of that has stuck as I have moved away for school and have my own apartment to maintain and my own food to cook :)  You all would be happy to know that I have yet to eat Saimini, aka Top Ramen.  I wasn't asked to do much around the house, and I don't know if that was because I was my parents favorite, or if it was because they wanted to spare everyone else the pain of my cooking or the lack of my cleaning.  But I promise if you were to walk into my apartment now, it is spotless and I could make you some real good frozen pizza rolls. Hahaha

Being that all of the boys in our family fall toward the bottom of our line, our dad had no one else to take to work with him or teach "manly" things to besides all of us girls.  & at a very young age, I became my Dad's personal assistant.  I would climb into his truck and would hide until he was ready to go to work.  I thought I was soooooooo clever.  Although, I'm pretty sure that 99.9% of the time, he knew I was in his truck, but he let me have the satisfaction of jumping out, and saying, "I got you." I would wait til the truck took off to pop up, and climb into the front seat.  When I was about 4 or 5, my mom put me in preschool.  My dad would drop me off, and I would throw the biggest fits.  One day, I came home and told my mom I wasn't going back.  Nobody wanted to be my friend or spoke English, and I wanted to drop out and go to work with my dad.  From then on, my sisters referred to me as the preschool drop out, but  my mom said ok, and everyday, I went to work with my dad.  As I got older, I became more interested in clothes, shoes, barbies, and dolls.  I stopped wanting to go to work with my dad, and wanted to be more like my older sisters and their friends.  Although I found my new passion, we still went to work with my dad and I'm pretty sure that my sisters and I could pull weeds, mow lawns, shovel snow, and rake leaves better and faster than all the boys we grew up with.  No offense ya'll.

From a very young age, I knew what my role as a GIRL was.  I never questioned whether I was supposed to be a boy.  I never questioned whether I was supposed to marry a girl or a boy.  I never questioned whether I wore a dress or a suit.  I never questioned it. I look around, and my heart hurts, that kids at such a young age question whether or not they are meant to be who they were born to be.  I fullheartdly believe that you were born as YOU for a designed purpose.  You are a GIRL for a reason.  You are a BOY for a reason.  

I can't understand how it feels to question that.  I can't understand how hard that must be for it to be socially unacceptable to love who you want to love.  I cannot understand how hard it is to feel like you do not belong, but I DO understand what it feels like to feel alone and feel like you have no other option but the one at hand.  I understand what it feels like to feel trapped and to think that "I've already dug myself a hole, this is where I belong."  I understand how it feels to WANT something so bad, even though you KNOW it isn't right.  I know what it feels like to be doing something and it feels sooooooo right, but everyone around you thinks that it's wrong.  I do not want anyone reading this to feel as though I hate people who chose to live their lives struggling with same sex attraction, aka gay or lesbian, because I don't.  If anything, I love you more.  I applaud your efforts for dealing with it.  And I don't say "dealing with it" as if it is a nuisance, I mean "dealing with it" as in all the side effects that come with same sex attraction.  People judge you, people shun you, people don't see you for anything more than being gay.  It's almost as if you have to tell people right off the back that you are who you are because if you find out down the road, it changes things.  I have a ton of friends who are gay, who are lesbians, and they are probably some of the realest people in my life.  

I love these people, and do I disagree with their actions?  Yeah, but that's because they are probably the most attractive guys in my life, and what a SHAME that they aren't on the market. Hahahaha.  The stereotype of a gay guy is as follows: a guy who is fashionable, who is sensitive, who SHOWS emotion, who is proper and speaks well, and who appears to be over caring.  

Now who doesn't want a husband who dresses well, speaks properly, who is sensitive to your emotions, and cares TOO much about you?  We are all born with our divine qualities, but WHY is it socially unacceptable for a man to feel emotion?  WHY is it socially unacceptable for a man to CARE?  If you care about the way you look, you're gay.  If you care about the way your house is cleaned, your gay.  The same goes for girls.  You like dressing in sweats and tshirts, you're a lesbian.  You like cars and changing oil, you're a lesbian.  What guy doesn't want a girl who can play basketball FAIRLY against you?  What guy doesn't want a girl who can rock sweats all day, and still be the most attractive thing on the planet?  But in society, you show an inkling of being in touch with your emotions or not being in touch with your emotions for girls, you are labeled as being gay or a lesbian.

You repeat something over and over again, you believe it.  You tell someone they're nothing more than a dumb girl, they begin to believe that.  You tell someone that they're smart, they become that.  You are what you believe yourself to be. 

"YOU IS SMART, YOU IS BEAUTIFUL, YOU IS IMPORTANT!"

My heart ACHES for people who have been told over and over and over again that this is who they MUST be because of what they like or dislike.  I MUST be a lesbian because I love to wear sweats all day and be lazy.  I MUST be a lesbian because I am careless and can change a tire, and those are traits of a man.  I hate that THIS is how we label each other.  I hate that THIS is how we judge each other.  WE created this society.  WE are at fault, for not becoming educated and not being open minded.  What an amazing world we would live in if men who were emotional were socially accepted and felt like they could fall in love with a woman who would accept those traits about them.  To tell children that they can't cry because they are simply boys, or they can't play in the dirt because they are GIRLS, is limiting them.  And it's merely heartbreaking.  Don't we want our kids, our siblings, OURSELVES to be well rounded? To do it all? 

Here's the saddest part of all:  

75% of homosexual men AND women have been sexually abused as children.

(all stats are found in this article:Childhood Sexual Abuse and Homosexuality)

How heart wrenching is that?  That the world we live in, the same world that criticizes you, and condemns you for loving the same gender, is the same world that abused you and made you even question your sexuality, in the first place.   

This is my sweeeeet sweeeeet niece whom I love so much!  I have nieces and nephews who I want them to know that their sky is the limit and it is OK to like cooking and it is OK to play in the dirt!  But after reading that study, my heart wants to PROTECT them and make them feel safe.  I have never loved anyone more than I love my nephew and nieces.  I don't want anything bad to happen to them, and I KNOW that this is how our Heavenly Father feels.  He wants to protect us, and when things like this happen, I know he is aching right along side us.  But every experience has a lesson and opportunity to tighten and strengthen our relationship with our God.

I love you all and hope that you will really think about the what you're missing out on by dating each other: Like ME for instance.  Hahahaha jkkkkk, but really.  You can't start a family of your own, that is biologically yours, if there are two girls or two guys.  You can't experience the joys of being together for all time and eternity.  Who wants a love that has to be left in the grave?  Who wants a love that can't last for the eternities? 

These things have been heavy on my mind all week and my heart is overwhelmed with love for all those who are struggling to figure out who they are and what they believe.  My heart goes out to you all because I don't think I could handle it.  God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers. And you my friends, have some of the hardest battles.  

Til you read again,
-me <3

Family Ties ---

I do this thing, where I like to sit in a place FULL of people, and just watch.  I went to a food court and just watched people as they interact with each other, the workers, the staff, their kids . . . and it always surprises me. 

There was one particular kid,, who appeared to be about 5, was throwing a fit because he wanted "Hot Dog on a Stick" and his mom refused.  He threw himself on the floor and his mom just kept walking.  In the same family was a little girl who was about 7, also wanted Hot Dog on a Stick but when her mom told her no, she took it for what it was and kept it moving.  But this little boy was persistent, and finally, his mom bought him hot dog on a stick.  I just watched as a smile broke out across his face and he had the look of victory. The little girl still didn't get the hot dog, and she was fine with that.

Let me reenact that situation if one of us had decided to act up at the store.  This is what would have happened at the store depending on which one of us kids were asking for "Hot dog on a Stick,"  

Me: "Mom, can I have Hot Dog on a Stick?"
Mom: "Yes." *buys hot dog on a stick"

Situation number two:

Sina (she's the 6th one): "Mom, can I have Hot Dog on a Stick?"
Mom: "No.  We don't have money for that."  

Now let me give some background to this story.  According to my siblings, I get away with a lot.  For whatever reason that is, I do not know. I know that our parents love us all, and they want what's best for us, but we got different responses based on experiences that we had with our parents.

See, for example, Sina and I are two very different people.  I have a strong opinion about things, but I shy away from confrontation, where Sina, who also has a strong opinion, embraces confrontation and handles it.  Maybe this is why my parents were always more willing to give into my wants, then they were to give into Sina's.  She is able to speak her mind, and be blunt and direct. I admire that about her, always have, and always will.  It's a blessing AND a curse.  Her and my mom always butted heads growing up, and Sina never backed down.  It's always entertaining, and  I love her for it!

I bring this up because without Sina, our family wouldn't be OUR family.  Our family is bonded and tied together, even if we are different.  Sina isn't the only one who is direct, so are my older sisters.  They aren't afraid to stand their ground and argue what they feel is right.  Where as me and some of my younger sisters just listen and hold our tongues.  But we balance each other out, and that's what makes us work.

I am grateful for my family, and especially Sina.  She has become my best friend and I look up to her more than I look up to anyone else.  Although we are different, she brings balance to my life and I love her for it!  I love that my family is so uniquely tied, and bonded, and when people probably watch us interact, they probably think that we are INSANE, but it works for us, and I wouldn't change it for the world!

Til you read again,
-me[: